In Service of the Letcher Bitch
by Black'nBlue28
Summary: The exploits of two enforcers under the direction of everyone's favorite supervillain movie reviewer, Diamanda Hagan. OC centered.


Authors Notes: Okay, this was something I wanted to put on paper. Depending on how well it does, might get a second chapter, might not. We'll see.

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Haganistan, a dictatorship on the skirt tales of Ireland. It is an evil, hate filled place of greed, oppression and worst of all, over seasoned churro's. Yes, in this country, only a privileged few live decently while the rest are treated like animals. All because of one diabolical, evil monster known as,

"..Diamanda Hagan, the lecher bitch" She said in all her makeup-ed glory.

Two minions looked at each other "Uh mistress? We know who you are."

Diamanda pulled a lever on the throne of imminent suffering, sending the minion down a shoot to the alligator exhibit at the zoo where they were torn to pieces.

"I hope there was a field trip at that part, it'd be a nice message to the little bastards that no one interrupts me! Now, living minion, what did you two need?"

The minion gulped "Well Mistress, it seems the hills are under attack by a dragon."

Diaminda put a finger to her chin "That sounds dangerous and awesome. Call the knights!"

The minion salutes and runs off. A moment later they returned with two men in odd looking armor. The first was a stick thin, shaggy haired twat with an awful beard and blue eyes. His armor had a combination metal arms and leggings, but he wore a black anime tshirt and jeans over that.

The second was a head shorter and rounder than the first. He rocked a soul patch as black as the curly hair under his baseball cap. His armor was like the first's except his t-shirt was of deadpool.

"Hail Hagan!" the two said, saluting their mistress.

"Hail me. Now listen, Sam" The tall one smirked "Garry" The shorter one beamed "We've got a dragon in the hills. This is both a threat to Haganistan and obscenely awesome. If you can, bring it back alive. If you can't, make some nice things out of the hide, I myself would like boots."

Garry whipped out a pen and paper "Size?"

"Eight and a half"

Garry finished and flipped it shut "Continue."

"Right. Now, if it turns out to be a fucking Scooby Doo knock off and is in actuality a bunch of minions in an elaborate suit, boil them and force them to eat each other."

Sam cocked an eyebrow "Boil them one at a time or all at once?"

Hagan paused "I suppose it'd be hard to force them into cannibalism if their all dead. Fine, one at a time, start with the leader and work your way down. Oh, and I want video footage, might be good for a wank later. You have your orders"

Sam and Garry salute and leave to fight the dragon.

-DH-

The two took their publicly funded silver Doge Stratus to the hills with the minion that had told Hagan of the dragon in the first place.

"So, where did you see this thing?" Sam asked getting out of the car, Garry following with a net gun. The hills were scorched, large black lines were splashed about the landscape.

The three of them walked out a few dozen yards and stopped, looking around

The minion turned around and shrugged "Right about here. Huh, must've left."

The minion was then reduced to a flaming skeleton as a huge pillar of fire smote them from the sky.

"Sweet Hagan!" Sam shouted, he and Garry diving off to the sides. In front of them, a 20 foot tall dragon landed with a deafening thud. It's scales were a deep copper color and had a normal dragon shape, horns and all.

Garry fired the net, which fell harmlessly on top of the dragons head, barely covering it.

Sam gulped "I think we're gonna need a bigger net."

"Ehehe, you wouldn't happen to be an intelligent gentleman with the voice of Sir Shaun Connery would you?" Garry chuckled nervously.

The Dragon roared and blew another gout of flame at the nights.

"Worth a shot!" Garry yelped as he dove out of the way.

Sam drew his sword and charged at the dragon. It's saw Sam and blew more fire his way. Sam rolled out of the way and pointed his sword, which was melted down to the hilt by the flames.

"Oh screw this." Sam said, tossing the hilt aside and pulled out and AK-47, firing into the dragons side. It roared in pain and Gary took this chance to fire at it with twin Desert Eagle pistols.

"Why do you never use the guns first? They're forty times better than a sword!" Garry shouted as he ducked for cover.

Sam scoffed "I like the classics! Plus, anyone can use a gun, swordsmanship is an art form, something people remember."

The dragon roared again and blew more fire, causing Garry to shout "You'll be a memory if you don't stop this thing!"

Sam growled "Une moment!" He yelled running back to the car, which was thankfully out of harms way.

Garry fired till he ran out of bullets and ducked into a trench "Sam!"

"On it!" Sam called, punching a number into the phone. He listened as it rang "Come on, come on." He muttered.

"Hello, this is Diamanda Hagan, what do you want?"

Sam grinned nervously "Hello Mistress, Sam here."

"Oh Sam, lovely to hear from you, you killed the dragon yet?"

Sam gulped "It's a work in progress."

"SSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!" Garry shouted over the sounds of the dragon.

"I see. I suppose you're wanting some back up, or heavy artillery You're supposed to be my enforcers, a shining example of all that is Hagan."

Sam groaned "We are! We've conquered farms and small houses, increasing the reach of Haganistans borders, but you just can't fight a dragon with conventional weapons!"

"*Sigh* Very well, I'll be right over."

Sam smiled and sighed in relief "Thank you mistress. Hail Hagan!"

"Hail me." the villianess replied as the phone clicked off.

Sam looked over the hill "Don't worry dude! Hagan's coming with backup!"

"Super!" Garry screamed, running from the dragon.

Moments later, a limo pulled up beside the Stratus. A minion stepped out of the front seat and opened the back door saluting. Diamanda Hagan stepped out, wearing a large fur coat, shades and a sable, walking around to the trunk.

"Looking good mistress!" Sam said saluting.

"Thanks." Hagan said simply, pushing past him, a bazooka slung over her shoulder.

Garry quivered on the ground, the dragon about to bear down on him when it saw Hagan pointing her weapon right at it.

"Smile you son of a bitch" She sneered as she fired a rocket at the dragon. The rocket connected and blew off half it's face, killing it instantly.

Sam grinned "Yeah! Lizard ain't got nothing on this! Right Garry? Garry?" he looked around and couldn't find his friend anywhere.

"Over here!" Garry called, waving his arms a good ways away from Sam.

"What did you find? ...oh my god." Sam said.

Hagan came over to see what the fuss was about and grinned. "Minion, get a truck!"

-DH-

Back at Castle Hagan, the Letcher Bitch admired her new boots "Thanks for the new boots, it's a shame we couldn't bring it back alive."

Sam nodded, now clad in a dragon skin jacket "True but now we've got a literal ton of leather and dragon meat."

Garry nods wearing a dragon skin vest "Tastes just like pork."

Hagan smirked "That's true. Plus, thanks to Garry, we found a nest full of it's young. Now we can train them and use them for our new dragon rider division."

"*Kssh* Uh, Mistress?" her walkie-talkie crackled to life, with a nervous minion on the other end.

"*Sigh* Yes minion?" Hagan groaned with a roll of her eyes

"We're having trouble with the dragons, they're just not listening."

"Did you put on the instructional video?"

"Yes, but as it turns out, 'How to Train Your Dragon' isn't good reference material."

"Well figure it out! I want to rain fire down on my enemies the way only gods can!"

"Well okay. Hail *SNAP* MISTRESS! ONE JUST BIT OFF MY RIGHT ARM!"

Hagan smiled "Then you best learn to write with your left hand then." she said gleefully, hanging up.

Sam and Garry looked at each other. They didn't really care about the fate of the minions, but having horse sized flamethrowers with a fondness for biting untamed in the castle didn't sit well.

"Mistress, maybe we should go down and try to tame them ourselves?" Sam said, a slight nervousness in his tone.

Hagan reached for a lever, but stopped. "Maybe your right. There's a certain appeal to riding a vicious monster that breaths fire."

With that, she, Sam and Garry made their way to the dungeons were the dragon babies were being held.

-DH-

Sam laughed and the Dragon licked his face "Haha, I don't know what the minions problems were, these things are darling!"

Garry smirked "Well, you did offer it food without showing fear, that's a key to gaining it's respect. That and minions just smell tasty. I've been tempted more then once to grill a hand or two."

Hagan smirked "What do you think the cafeteria foods made of? Or better yet, where minions go after I kill them?"

Garry grinned "Awesome! I gotta start eating there more often!" he said, petting his dragon on the head.

Hagan stared at the final dragon, an angry female perched on a pile of limbs.

Hagan approached the dragon and it snapped at her. Sam, Garry and even the other dragons froze in terror, as if a psychic warning rang out that shit just got real. Hagans face darkened as she marched right up to the beast, to it's shock.

"Listen her you little shit, I am the letcher bitch. Queen of the damned, equal to none. I created Haganistan and rule over it with an iron vagina. I've killed hundreds of thousands of people, rose from the dead and sat through the Apocalypse movies. I am not going to be snapped at by an over grown handbag! Do I make myself clear?" She said in an icy venomous tone. The dragon wet itself and meekly licked her hand.

"That's better. Now behave Lilith, and don't eat any of your handlers." The dragon pouted "Unless you're hungry. Or bored." The dragon perked up at this and began to nuzzle Hagan "Yes, yes, I love you to my little death machine. Now come on you two, we're needed else where."

Sam and Garry nodded and turned back to their dragons.

"Bye Lucas, I'll come back with a pudgey minion alright?" he asked. Lucas liccked his face and nuzzled his chest.

"Later Ex." Garry said, taking a hand that was laying on the floor and tossed it too Ex, who snapped it up happily.

As they left, Sam looked at Garry "Ex?"

"Short for Ex-wife."

Sam blinked "Makes sense" he said with a shrug.

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Thanks for reading, and remember R&R


End file.
